Motherhood and a Battle Within

I've been thinking quite a bit about a post I made back in March 2009. Link: Will I Ever Get a Good Night's Sleep Again?!

When I posted that life was really physically demanding and difficult with three small kids. I remember being so tired and sick of getting up often in the night.  I was a zombie and as most Mom's out there I continued the "New Mom" zombie life for the next six years and added two more babies to the craziness.  But in the past year or so it's like all of our kids have grown up and the physically demanding aspect of Motherhood is calming down.  I get to sleep through the night, most nights.  I feel like myself again.  I have so much more energy and time to ponder and get to know each of our kids.  I'm so grateful to wake up feeling rested.  I'm so grateful to be the Mom of these kids.  

I love watching them grow.  They seem to be at perfect ages and sometimes I just want to freeze time. They are imaginative and love making new things. They are so funny and sweet and I love that they still think we are fun to be around. I love watching them grow, learn new things, and (although difficult) watching them overcome their struggles.  I am constantly learning from them and they are so forgiving.   They love family time and I cherish this because I know this part of life won't last forever...Of course, they aren't perfect little angels. They are kids and life is messy in many ways but I sure love this life of ours.    

As the kids grow and the sleepless nights and physical upbringing has eased I have felt a new pressure growing. The "mental" part of Motherhood and that new challenge.  As I watch the kids grow and become more accountable, I can see that each of them have struggles in different areas of their lives. As a Mom I want to wave a wand and fix everything.  Knowing this isn't possible and knowing it's good for them to be stretched, I find myself pondering many things.  Am I enough?  Can I teach these kiddos all the things they need to be successful in their lives. Am I too overbearing? (Yes, I know the answer to that one.)  Do they know I love them?  Will they come to me if they have a problem? Are they learning how to develop a strong relationship with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? Are they learning how to build a strong testimony of the gospel?  This list could go on and on.  I'm sure we all feel inadequate and ponder things like these at one point or another.

Lately though, the reality is sinking in that time goes too quickly and I'm not sure I can do this as well as I want. I have prayed often for help because mess up all the time. I know it's not possible but I just want to be perfect and I'm so far from perfect that I wonder how I can possibly do any of this right. I feel like I mess up more than I help. So this unending battle has continued around and around in my mind.

After countless prayers and while reading a book I realized recently that it's okay that I'm not the perfect parent I want to be. Instead of trying so hard to be perfect, I need to try harder to seek the spirit in my life. Our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ are perfect and we can receive all the guidance we need from them. Who better than they to follow?

This realization has really helped bring peace to my mind. I wanted to share this here because I know I can't be the only one who struggles with this and thought it might help someone else. It's so rewarding and such a blessing to be a parent and at the same time it's difficult on so many levels. But, I know when we pray for answers, ponder the scriptures, analyze ourselves and repent when we need to, we will qualify for the spirit.  He will guide us in all that we need and we will be able to be the nurturer and shoulder for our children.

A couple other scriptures I love:

Caleb 3rd Birthday!

Caleb had been asking when his birthday was since Brayden's birthday back in September. I finally learned I could get him to stop constantly asking if I said, "Soon."  Needless to say that when I told him Sunday night that his birthday was in the morning he was REALLY excited!

He woke up around six and had a huge smile on his face.  We let him open his presents before the kids went off to school.  He had so much fun and whenever he had the spotlight or we sang happy birthday he would smile and raise his shoulders.  It was so cute.

The shoulder shrug was my favorite memory from this day.  He smiled with his whole body.

Caleb and Brayden played with his new toys all day while the kids were at school.  We picked Bo up and went to McDonald's for lunch.  He ate a whole double cheeseburger!  He loves burgers.  He also ate an ice cream cone.

We made his cake Sunday night. It was suppose to have a rainbow inside.  All of the kids helped mix the different colors in a small amount of mix and we poured them in seperately. Everyone was so excited to cut into the cake to see what it would look like.  We were all a little disappointed to find that it didn't work out. No rainbow.  But, they all loved it so in the end it didn't matter. haha

So Excited!

I just had to add a Hawaii quirk.  Notice they aren't straight.  As they sat in the cupboard they melted and were bent by the heat!

Since we couldn't get a rainbow in the cake, I guess we'll take this real rainbow that was just off of the deck the morning of his birthday! It was a full rainbow but I couldn't get a pic of the whole thing before the center disappeared.

Jackson spent a very long time on this "Happy Birthday" poster.  He took the time to cut out each letter and glue it on the blue paper.  He can be so sweet!

At three Caleb loves:

Legos
Mickey Mouse
Olaff
Reading Books
Coloring
Riding his bike (although, he can't do that a lot in Hawaii)
His brothers and sister
Mom and Dad
Playing in the sand
Swinging

We love:
He is so sweet
He's funny
He gets along with everyone
He's really easygoing
He's more mellow that other boys we've had
I don't have to worry about him eating everything food or nonfood items!
He goes right to bed and falls asleep
He has really adjusted to Hawaii
His smiling face every morning as he runs into our room

Happy Birthday Caleb!  We love you so much and you bring our home so much joy.  Everyone just adores you!!!

Porter's Came for a Visit

Gini and Dan, Carley and Myles, and Sonny and Emily, and Izzie came for a visit!!!  It was really fun to have them all here.  We had a great time and the weather was very cooperative so they got to see a whole bunch of things.

We first met everyone and went to Pearl Harbor.  We walked through the Missouri and Air Museum.  It was really cool.  I loved getting an up close view of all the planes and helicopters.  Walking through the Missouri was pretty amazing too.  That ship is huge and has a fascinating history.

Saturday we went on a hike through Wiamea Falls.  We did this with my parents also but the water at the end was totally brown because of the rain.  This time it was really clear so we were able to swim under the waterfall.  It was SUPER COLD!  But it was so refreshing to swim in fresh water.  We then took a few minute drive further down the road to eat at Kua 'Aina burger joint.  It was really good.  We also had to have a shave ice at Masumoto's.

Sunday was kind of a rest day we went to church and visited the visitor's center.

 Monday morning we let the boys stay home from school and we made a trip out to Haunauma Bay.  Everyone had a blast snorkeling. I had a great time playing in the sand with the boys.  I have come to realize that I like the beach and playing in the waves but, I'm not a huge fan of snorkeling.  We then went on a hike at Moana Falls.  It was gorgeous and the waterfall was about 150 feet tall.  Gorgeous!

Tuesday they all went zip lining.  Hailey got to skip school and go.  She had a blast.  She's the only one of the kids that is big enough to go.

 Wednesday there was a huge surf that came in.  The waves were bigger than anything I've every seen.  Bo took a drive up the North Shore to check everything out.  We also had a great time watching the Hump Back Whales off of the deck.  We went to the Luau at the PCC.  That is always entertaining

Thursday they headed home.

Other Highlights:

• We met Dan for the first time.  He is a great man and we are so happy to have him in our family.
• Brayden made best friends with Sonny and was really sad to see him go.  He is still missing him.
• Hailey had a really great time spending the week with Izzie.
• The neighborhood the house they rented in was filled with crowing rooster all night!
• Carley screamed really loud when she got in the water at Wiamea Falls.
• Sweet and Condensed Milk does not make shave ice any better.
• Gini and Dan got to dance on stage at the PCC to celebrate being engaged. 

Tickets Home!

New Year's Eve 2015

New Year's Eve was pretty low key once again.  But, I actually made four separate treats or appetizers: caramel, rocky road fudge, a cheese ball and buffalo chicken dip.  That's quite a feat for me lately so I had to take a pic.  I forgot to take pics that evening but it was fun and the three oldest stayed up til midnight.  We watched "Cool Runnings" and "Harry Potter" (not a huge fan of that but Bo likes it and the kids were begging to see it) I don't think they'll be watching anymore anytime soon though.

At midnight the neighborhood came alive.  Although I think it was just one group of people at a vacation rental.  They were loud.  Fireworks were really big here too.  They had huge bricks of firecrackers in the grocery store although they said you had to have a permit to purchase them.  I'm not sure who gets the permits...

Happy New Year!